i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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