My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
