Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
