If i come over, it means nothing
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
