If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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