Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
