I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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