Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
