Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
