you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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