i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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