I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
