I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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