sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
