So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
