I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
