So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
