Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
