Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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