I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He shit in the fireplace
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
