the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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