My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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