I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My ATM looks so different sober.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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