I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
