Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
