I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize