I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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