I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
