biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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