Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
handjob tips. give me some.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
