I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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