I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
