Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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