I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
