I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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