Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
