nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize