I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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