During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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