I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
