Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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