i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
