i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
