Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
