He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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