I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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