Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
