Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
