Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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