Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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