I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
