I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
