I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
