sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
