who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize