You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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