also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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