My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so let's talk penis.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
