I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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