I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
