Me. At least after what I've been through.
She announced her abortion via fbk
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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