You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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