i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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