I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
