He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
